I'm back. And payback's a bitch's parole officer, right Emmett?

It’s been practically eons since being on this site. Please, properly blame my brother Emmett for that. I cannot think that you, a mere literary soul who happened upon my blog and thus my woes, can comprehend just what he did and how badly it ended for the rest of us innocent bystanders! Well… to be fair… Edward did ‘accidentally’ elbow me in the face when we were trying to pull the snarling Emmett off of Carlisle. And I may have just ‘accidentally’ reciprocated. What it is that Esme’s always saying? An eye for an eye, especially if they start it? Damn, I think I got that conveniently wrong. I’ve been in a solidly decent brood for well over two months because of this and I don’t plan on breaking it just because it’s over. I’m still more than pissed at Emmett for ruining a good thing for the rest of us.

And if Esme hadn’t always been patrolling around, yanking electric cords left and right for any internet accessible charger, there would have been a way to make our way back on here.

Good thing she’s sweeter than sugar, else I would have been mad at her as well. Nope. Blamin’ everything on Emmett is way more productive. After all, payback is a bitch’s parole officer- it regulates and controls the next moves. ;)

While on this elongated absence from technology, I overheard a particular conversation between my Little Monster and our idiot brother. The television was blaring a commercial for a Klondike bar with that annoying as hell jingle ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

Alice had giggled and poked Emmett in the ribs as she retorted, “What wouldn’t Emmett do for a Klondike bar.”

(I swear my next words are nothing but the dead truth. Be disturbed at your own discretion.)

Emmett crossed him arms and leaned back before he mused aloud. (I’m sure he didn’t mean to answer verbally. I sure as hell would never admit to something like that.)

“I've never actually had one. Now ask me what I would do for a mile long gummy bear... or a pool full of gummy bears... I'd do a lot!”

Now the world knows of Emmett’s gummy bear fetish. Ah HA! Slowly, very slowly, I feel better about his causing our detainment. ;)

Until next time.

Boxers or Briefs?

My, my. The men in my family sure have interesting tastes. -smirks-

Carlisle has publicly and openly discussed his underwear preference at a small paneled medical conference that was luckily taped. And he just seems to have an issue with holding back information. Calvin Klein boxer briefs are his admitted preference. -shudders- I could have gone my entire eternal life before learning that particular piece of information.


Find more videos like this on Twifans



Edward apparently has a fetish in underwear. Does anyone else notice how the design is like that of a zebra? Disgusting, man. Even Bella won't want you after seeing that picture! It's, to put it kindly, horrendous. I know what I'm getting you for all following holidays for the next few years.





Emmett, Emmett, Emmett. Upon asking Rosalie kindly to snoop up some pictures for me (as I know you two have taken some more private ones when you think no one else is home), but she kept claiming you don't wear underwear. Ooooh, and not because you're feeling masculine by going commando. Nope. She told me about how you're 'extra sensitive' down there and don't like to be touched as much.

I almost collapsed with laughing so incredibly hard.

Well, this is the best she could give me.

I'm on fire, and now I'm getting ready to bust a move.

For of all, I would like to apologize for the gap of time that I allowed myself to be further away from blogging than necessary. Alice and I went on an impromptu hunting excursion that had us well and truly isolated from internet access. But with Alice maintaining my sole focus for those few days? Let's just say it is the more enjoyable option of the two. ;)

Ah! So it took me some time to decide if I wanted to get Carlisle or Edward today. I mean, after all... Emmett's getting the brunt of the insults. So it seems to me anyway. And once he manages to grow a brain and try holding his own, then maybe I'll throw something else his way. -grins-

It came down to Carlisle (sorry, but not really Doctor).

I was scanning all the pictures he kept safe from view, videos that he doesn't know any of us 'kids' have found, or even those interesting text messages he sends Esme during those long days at the hospital.

Speaking of Esme- who I honestly love dearly- I believe this blog will be quite the eyeopener for her. Isn't it known far and wide that Carlisle is truly and madly in love with his wife? That no other woman can come close to making him that happy?

Then explain to me why Daddy Doctor Man is getting his fairytale happiness with another woman? I surely had no idea he's ever been to Disneyland.





-smirks-

Must be where all the fossilized men take their princess mistresses. Desperate for that happily ever after that Walt Disney always promised young children growing up! Hm. Walt has been dead for how many decades and the public insists a park make for millions of children stays active?

Is anyone else reminded of Michael Jackson and his Neverland estate? Walt Disney- ultimate pedophile.

Alice needs to update Carlisle's tastes in activities it would appear.

Never a good thing when I get an Accomplice.

So. The little contest the Cullen Boys were hosting ended last night and we had a clear winner- Kristie Silvere. And the two of us had a lovely late night chat to talk about what exactly I would put in this much awaited for blog. No video, no photos, just lists. -grin- Oh yes, you'll see what I mean soon enough!

Kristie assisted me with figuring just what it was that made the other three Cullen males annoying. I believe you'll find the lists we came up with not only accurate, but funny as hell.

I laughed. Kristie laughed. And we discovered that I am the best of the three! In all honesty. I like that.

( I would like to take a moment and link all the readers I have somehow accumulated over this short time period to Kristie Silvere's artistic and creative new blog ( http://silverekaleidoscope.blogspot.com/ ) . I have gone through what she has posted and I like it myself. And she is the winner of the contest. So she is one of our largest fans insofar. ;) I suggest you follow her at your own discretion. )

I believe I have made you anxient readers wait long enough, eh? Fine. Here it is!
;)

10 Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen

1. Tell him to only to address you in a cute English accent.
2. Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the "s". When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the "q" is silent.
3. Ask if blondes really do have more fun.
4. Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift at the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.
5. Instead of telling him to "get lost" in an argument, tell him to swim to France.
6. When he annoys you, respond with "times have changed, old man".
7. Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is -- what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?
8. Leap out from behind a desk in his study when he isn't expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.
9. Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.

And the best way to annoy Carlisle Cullen?

• Run around the Emergency Room screaming, "I've been bitten! I've been bitten!"

10 Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen

1. Sing "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang in your head whenever he is near.
2. Hotwire his Volvo and take it on a joyride.
3. Tell him the relationship he is having with Bella is practically pedophilia and he could be sent to jail for it.
4. Ask how Tanya is.
5. End every argument with "Bite me, Edward."
6. Call him Romeo both behind his back and to his face.
7. Whenever he complains or argues, reply with, "What are you gonna do Edward? Go to Italy?"
8. Tell him his hair isn't bronze, it's ginger. And he should stop denying himself-- he's a ranga.
9. Whenever he leaves a room or says goodbye, get down on your knees and beg him not to go, not again.

And the best way to annoy Edward Cullen?

• Take his silver cell phone and change the ringtone to "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.

10 Ways to Annoy Emmett Cullen

1. Tell him he looks like a creepy stalker rapist.
2. Inform him, as politely as possible, that he has grizzly in his teeth.
3. Ask who wears the pants in his relationship.
4. Try to stab him through the heart with a stake.
5. Tell him brawn is out, scrawn is in.
6. Inquire as to how he feels about being the forgotten Cullen male.
7. When he is around, wonder aloud what Rosalie calls him in bed.
8. Ask if he is overcompensating for something with that Jeep.
9. Ask if he is overcompensating for something with those muscles.

And the best way to annoy Emmett Cullen?

When he denies the above two claims, respond with "That's not what Rosalie saaaaaid!"

The Votes were counted- Emmett's turn.

So. As anyone who's with us on Facebook knows, I left tonight's blog post up to the fans. And by a ratio of 3:1, Emmett was the winner of who my blog was to be written about. Oh good. -winks- I do remember mentioning in my mass message earlier that I'd say the name of his boyfriend? Was that on the group ( http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=92609807249&ref=ts ) or on the Twitter ( https://twitter.com/CullenBlogWar )? It's hard to recall at this time when I'm so focused on my goal. I think that's where this post will lead.

It's Ryan. Emmett's boyfriend's name is Ryan.

Now he might be scoffing insofar with this blog, but I have video evidence to prove that I am no liar.

And apparently they like to dress up together? I'll never understand him. Not that I would want to if that's what he chooses normally for recreational purposes.

-sold this hilarity to the tabloid of People-

http://www.people.com/people/package/video/0,,20283823_20285420,00.html


Things we're all wondering about after having seen this:

1. Who would ever let Emmett hold a gun, real or no?
2. Are they still alive after this encounter?
3. Isn't it handy that the excuse of a 'photoshoot' let him and his Boyfriend dress up? Dare I say... they might have helped each other make sure each zipper was zipped and each button was buttoned.
4. Emmett feels like a child next to a man who feels like a child molester. Hint.
5. Ryan was rubbing his knee.

-has to rewatch the video for more details to note-

1. Emmett had to use the fake name of Kellan Lutz. How odd!
2. Match.com... Bromance... You all know what I mean. It was admitted.
3. 1:01- Emmett does something suggestive with his gun on Ryan.
4. "Fun little poker game at his house." -Direct quote from my brother.
5. They are 'real friends'... what is that suppose to mean?
6. Ryan and Emmett have obviously danced together.
   

Three for the price of one.

It would appear that each of my Cullen male counterparts have deemed it necessary to bombard me with the rubbage they consider 'facts' or 'proof' of some negative aspect to my character. Ha! Little do they know that the oldest brother can knock them all down and back, three for the price of one.

-smirk-

I know Edward is probably groaning in agonized anticipation while scooting to the edge of his seat (ignoring Bella for once in his life all the while), Carlisle is slowly putting down his morning copy of the Peninsula Daily News and Emmett is pacing feet away from the desk while Rose sits there and reads this missive aloud so the big words don't slow him down in the process of learning what I'm about.

So why delay any longer?


Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

I didn't think I would have to resort to this level of immaturity. Still higher than that of Emmett, but still. You tossed Alice's name out too recklessly in your last blog post, insinuating that she would stoop low enough to kiss Emmett! Good God, man, she does have standards!

So. This video is a perfect depiction of what your life with Bella would be like in an alternate universe. I took some home footage and had to toy around with it to get the idea, so if it's not perfect... -shrug- Tough.




Emmett McCarty Cullen

-narrows eyes-
Oh, brother, what I have to say about you. Alice didn't like your video you put up last night- in fact, she threw her four hundred and sixteen dollar Gucci black patent metallic leather bamboo detail pumps at my head. Individually. One right after another so I was only thinking I had to duck from one.

Thanks man, thanks a million.

Good thing I have plenty of ammo for the war we wage.

Remember when Rose got so mad that you careened her red BMW convertible into a tree while we were drag racing? Then for a week after you were only allowed to touch one motorized machine in the garage.

I made sure to take at least a picture to capture the moment.




Doctor Carlisle Cullen

Tsk, tsk. Didn't think I forgot about the good doctor, now did you? Of course not. It's in bad form to pay favoritism. You taught me that.

You haven't tried attacking me with a blog post yet, but in due time it's only to be suspected. Consider this a tactical move on my part.

I can't apologize for stealing one of Esme's private photos though. She should stop hiding them in the cookie jar! For two reasons; one, you really are not her sugar daddy. Two, just because we don't have use for the kitchen, doesn't mean we don't go in there!





And there you have it. Three for the price of one.

This needs no introduction.