Boxers or Briefs?

My, my. The men in my family sure have interesting tastes. -smirks-

Carlisle has publicly and openly discussed his underwear preference at a small paneled medical conference that was luckily taped. And he just seems to have an issue with holding back information. Calvin Klein boxer briefs are his admitted preference. -shudders- I could have gone my entire eternal life before learning that particular piece of information.


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Edward apparently has a fetish in underwear. Does anyone else notice how the design is like that of a zebra? Disgusting, man. Even Bella won't want you after seeing that picture! It's, to put it kindly, horrendous. I know what I'm getting you for all following holidays for the next few years.





Emmett, Emmett, Emmett. Upon asking Rosalie kindly to snoop up some pictures for me (as I know you two have taken some more private ones when you think no one else is home), but she kept claiming you don't wear underwear. Ooooh, and not because you're feeling masculine by going commando. Nope. She told me about how you're 'extra sensitive' down there and don't like to be touched as much.

I almost collapsed with laughing so incredibly hard.

Well, this is the best she could give me.

I'm on fire, and now I'm getting ready to bust a move.

For of all, I would like to apologize for the gap of time that I allowed myself to be further away from blogging than necessary. Alice and I went on an impromptu hunting excursion that had us well and truly isolated from internet access. But with Alice maintaining my sole focus for those few days? Let's just say it is the more enjoyable option of the two. ;)

Ah! So it took me some time to decide if I wanted to get Carlisle or Edward today. I mean, after all... Emmett's getting the brunt of the insults. So it seems to me anyway. And once he manages to grow a brain and try holding his own, then maybe I'll throw something else his way. -grins-

It came down to Carlisle (sorry, but not really Doctor).

I was scanning all the pictures he kept safe from view, videos that he doesn't know any of us 'kids' have found, or even those interesting text messages he sends Esme during those long days at the hospital.

Speaking of Esme- who I honestly love dearly- I believe this blog will be quite the eyeopener for her. Isn't it known far and wide that Carlisle is truly and madly in love with his wife? That no other woman can come close to making him that happy?

Then explain to me why Daddy Doctor Man is getting his fairytale happiness with another woman? I surely had no idea he's ever been to Disneyland.





-smirks-

Must be where all the fossilized men take their princess mistresses. Desperate for that happily ever after that Walt Disney always promised young children growing up! Hm. Walt has been dead for how many decades and the public insists a park make for millions of children stays active?

Is anyone else reminded of Michael Jackson and his Neverland estate? Walt Disney- ultimate pedophile.

Alice needs to update Carlisle's tastes in activities it would appear.

Never a good thing when I get an Accomplice.

So. The little contest the Cullen Boys were hosting ended last night and we had a clear winner- Kristie Silvere. And the two of us had a lovely late night chat to talk about what exactly I would put in this much awaited for blog. No video, no photos, just lists. -grin- Oh yes, you'll see what I mean soon enough!

Kristie assisted me with figuring just what it was that made the other three Cullen males annoying. I believe you'll find the lists we came up with not only accurate, but funny as hell.

I laughed. Kristie laughed. And we discovered that I am the best of the three! In all honesty. I like that.

( I would like to take a moment and link all the readers I have somehow accumulated over this short time period to Kristie Silvere's artistic and creative new blog ( http://silverekaleidoscope.blogspot.com/ ) . I have gone through what she has posted and I like it myself. And she is the winner of the contest. So she is one of our largest fans insofar. ;) I suggest you follow her at your own discretion. )

I believe I have made you anxient readers wait long enough, eh? Fine. Here it is!
;)

10 Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen

1. Tell him to only to address you in a cute English accent.
2. Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the "s". When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the "q" is silent.
3. Ask if blondes really do have more fun.
4. Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift at the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.
5. Instead of telling him to "get lost" in an argument, tell him to swim to France.
6. When he annoys you, respond with "times have changed, old man".
7. Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is -- what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?
8. Leap out from behind a desk in his study when he isn't expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.
9. Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.

And the best way to annoy Carlisle Cullen?

• Run around the Emergency Room screaming, "I've been bitten! I've been bitten!"

10 Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen

1. Sing "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang in your head whenever he is near.
2. Hotwire his Volvo and take it on a joyride.
3. Tell him the relationship he is having with Bella is practically pedophilia and he could be sent to jail for it.
4. Ask how Tanya is.
5. End every argument with "Bite me, Edward."
6. Call him Romeo both behind his back and to his face.
7. Whenever he complains or argues, reply with, "What are you gonna do Edward? Go to Italy?"
8. Tell him his hair isn't bronze, it's ginger. And he should stop denying himself-- he's a ranga.
9. Whenever he leaves a room or says goodbye, get down on your knees and beg him not to go, not again.

And the best way to annoy Edward Cullen?

• Take his silver cell phone and change the ringtone to "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.

10 Ways to Annoy Emmett Cullen

1. Tell him he looks like a creepy stalker rapist.
2. Inform him, as politely as possible, that he has grizzly in his teeth.
3. Ask who wears the pants in his relationship.
4. Try to stab him through the heart with a stake.
5. Tell him brawn is out, scrawn is in.
6. Inquire as to how he feels about being the forgotten Cullen male.
7. When he is around, wonder aloud what Rosalie calls him in bed.
8. Ask if he is overcompensating for something with that Jeep.
9. Ask if he is overcompensating for something with those muscles.

And the best way to annoy Emmett Cullen?

When he denies the above two claims, respond with "That's not what Rosalie saaaaaid!"

The Votes were counted- Emmett's turn.

So. As anyone who's with us on Facebook knows, I left tonight's blog post up to the fans. And by a ratio of 3:1, Emmett was the winner of who my blog was to be written about. Oh good. -winks- I do remember mentioning in my mass message earlier that I'd say the name of his boyfriend? Was that on the group ( http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=92609807249&ref=ts ) or on the Twitter ( https://twitter.com/CullenBlogWar )? It's hard to recall at this time when I'm so focused on my goal. I think that's where this post will lead.

It's Ryan. Emmett's boyfriend's name is Ryan.

Now he might be scoffing insofar with this blog, but I have video evidence to prove that I am no liar.

And apparently they like to dress up together? I'll never understand him. Not that I would want to if that's what he chooses normally for recreational purposes.

-sold this hilarity to the tabloid of People-

http://www.people.com/people/package/video/0,,20283823_20285420,00.html


Things we're all wondering about after having seen this:

1. Who would ever let Emmett hold a gun, real or no?
2. Are they still alive after this encounter?
3. Isn't it handy that the excuse of a 'photoshoot' let him and his Boyfriend dress up? Dare I say... they might have helped each other make sure each zipper was zipped and each button was buttoned.
4. Emmett feels like a child next to a man who feels like a child molester. Hint.
5. Ryan was rubbing his knee.

-has to rewatch the video for more details to note-

1. Emmett had to use the fake name of Kellan Lutz. How odd!
2. Match.com... Bromance... You all know what I mean. It was admitted.
3. 1:01- Emmett does something suggestive with his gun on Ryan.
4. "Fun little poker game at his house." -Direct quote from my brother.
5. They are 'real friends'... what is that suppose to mean?
6. Ryan and Emmett have obviously danced together.
   

Three for the price of one.

It would appear that each of my Cullen male counterparts have deemed it necessary to bombard me with the rubbage they consider 'facts' or 'proof' of some negative aspect to my character. Ha! Little do they know that the oldest brother can knock them all down and back, three for the price of one.

-smirk-

I know Edward is probably groaning in agonized anticipation while scooting to the edge of his seat (ignoring Bella for once in his life all the while), Carlisle is slowly putting down his morning copy of the Peninsula Daily News and Emmett is pacing feet away from the desk while Rose sits there and reads this missive aloud so the big words don't slow him down in the process of learning what I'm about.

So why delay any longer?


Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

I didn't think I would have to resort to this level of immaturity. Still higher than that of Emmett, but still. You tossed Alice's name out too recklessly in your last blog post, insinuating that she would stoop low enough to kiss Emmett! Good God, man, she does have standards!

So. This video is a perfect depiction of what your life with Bella would be like in an alternate universe. I took some home footage and had to toy around with it to get the idea, so if it's not perfect... -shrug- Tough.




Emmett McCarty Cullen

-narrows eyes-
Oh, brother, what I have to say about you. Alice didn't like your video you put up last night- in fact, she threw her four hundred and sixteen dollar Gucci black patent metallic leather bamboo detail pumps at my head. Individually. One right after another so I was only thinking I had to duck from one.

Thanks man, thanks a million.

Good thing I have plenty of ammo for the war we wage.

Remember when Rose got so mad that you careened her red BMW convertible into a tree while we were drag racing? Then for a week after you were only allowed to touch one motorized machine in the garage.

I made sure to take at least a picture to capture the moment.




Doctor Carlisle Cullen

Tsk, tsk. Didn't think I forgot about the good doctor, now did you? Of course not. It's in bad form to pay favoritism. You taught me that.

You haven't tried attacking me with a blog post yet, but in due time it's only to be suspected. Consider this a tactical move on my part.

I can't apologize for stealing one of Esme's private photos though. She should stop hiding them in the cookie jar! For two reasons; one, you really are not her sugar daddy. Two, just because we don't have use for the kitchen, doesn't mean we don't go in there!





And there you have it. Three for the price of one.

This needs no introduction.

Scandal in the Cullen Household?

Uh oh. Payback is going to come back and bite my brother in the arse, now isn't it? He shouldn't have said what he did about Alice a few days ago, and how my credit cards should have burn marks on them from her swiping through the machines so much. Lies. Abominable lies.

So I was scanning through pictures of the family on my late night wanderings (as if night had any real relevance in my life) and found an oddly fascinating photo that brought up a few questions in my mind.

1. Why doesn't Edward seem to notice how awkward the situation is?
2. Why is Bella so close to Emmett in the first place?
   

The answer to one is easy. Edward and his life is made of awkward. Also! He's doing that thing he considers 'cute' and is playing oblivious to those around him. Idiot.

The answer to two can vary on opinion. I vote that Bella and Emmett are secret lovers. Don't you think that's the answer that will have Edward more in a tiff? I sure hope so.

Drawing is faster, and leaves less room for lies.

His shoulders hunched forward. Frantic pencil marks marred the ivory sheet with a relentless absence of remorse. Jasper found when his mastery command of the English language failed to properly express his emotions, drawing was the most honest of the two choices. Deceptions were hard to transfer to unwritten scripts.

Jasper's thoughts were never idle.

The pencil urgently scrawled an angle here.
A curve there.
An impulsive line.
A rebel mark.
Slash.
Scratch.
Shade it in.
Draw it out.
Extract the essence.
Contrast the light.
Show her face. Her pert mouth, opened. The hesitant eyes.
Jasper's sweater; she had to be wearing his sweater.
For comfort? To savor the nostalgia of the beginning? For strength?
Too big.
It must engulf her entirely.
The hair should be dark. Apply more pressure with the pencil.
Inside?
No.
Outside.
Alice loved the outdoors.
Should he draw himself in the picture?
No.
She didn't need him.
Yet...
she wanted him.
Should he?
Still no.
He wanted to peer at perfection alone.
Scratch.
...
Slash. Darker. Make the shadows prominent.
Even darker.
Don't erase your imperfections.
She's perfect this way.
Don't erase her.
She is your sole muse of the flawless.


Done.

If at all possible, Jasper slumped even more with the depleted energy. He knew how Picasso and Rafael must have felt after vigoriously creating unprecedented masterpieces. How long had he sat here under the faithless oak tree, attempting the drawing of his wife?

Seconds?
Hours?
Minutes?
Years.

Plainly it took years to correctly express one's emotions artistically. Jasper fluidly took a stance above his makeshift studio, the paper cradled with gentle precision against his narrow chest.

Time to find his muse.

As he languidly started back toward the house, Jasper let the small smile of contentment flood over his taunt mouth. He had not known Alice very long, the Cullen family even less, but he knew what the difference between a house and a home was.

And he was heading home. That's where she'd be. Hopefully knee deep in a pile of newly acquired products a fashionista required to appease her shopping appetites- he enjoyed savoring the afterglow she radiated when she went on a spree.

How long have I known her?

Years?
Minutes?
Hours?
Seconds.

Yes, merely seconds. Alice never ceased to astound him with a new facet to her jeweled existence- how could he say he knew her at all?

He entered the front door sedately. Jasper slung a look at the stairs to make sure she wasn't racing down at the entering sounds he made. His shoulders relaxed just a bit when he saw it was deserted- he had the time to finish the drawing.

Now he knew what to say. He found the words.

Making his way to the library, Jasper sketched mentally a rough outline of what he was to write on the back of the paper he still held. It came together quicker than he had originally thought, yet he couldn't regret that.

He sat in a cushioned chair and finished the anniversary gift.

Alice.

You’ve worked your magic on me and I’ve been worked over well; great verbal sparring, wit-whipped, smoothed, shaken, caressed. Loved. I am, and I can’t get much more simple than this, afraid of you. And what you do to me.

However, we mutually compel mutual attraction. Does that make sense to you? How do I cope with that? I am forever attracted to you, body and mind, inside, outside, with and without. I believe I am more attracted by you than anyone else I’ve met or hope to meet (Maria... with her it was all about lust and the eternal struggle for dominance). But then again, I’m suicidal, at least philosophically and emotionally. And although I try to resist it, I’m slightly crisis-oriented- I need you to need me even if the world has fallen. Especially then.

And certainly I don’t know you. I’ll give you that very easily. I don’t know you. I only know things about you, the color of your raven locks, the shape of your shoulders when you shake with laughter, the pools of brazenly kissed-sunset eyes; very seductive. I know temperament. I know some of your expressions. I have a collection of words written by you over various stages of our relationship. Articles of clothing you spend a fortune on for me without my consent. You share a few dreams. You hold my hand. You use too many adjectives when you're excited. And you reprimand me when I chose to be less than forthcoming with my verbalization.

But I don’t know anything about who, exactly, you are, in fact. Which disqualifies me as a participant in many areas of your life, not the least of which is professional counsel. But I’m disqualified in a lot of things—life, the pursuit of happiness, wisdom, intellect, culture, politics. In other words, must I know you?

Yes. I must know, touch, see, feel, inspect every living aspect you'll allow. Your very essence would not begin to appease my hunger to know you. The emotions that free fall off your very soul compel like no other man could know.

My Little Monster, let me know all of you.

-Jas

His handwriting was curling and gracefully placed, if a little on the small side to fit. He dropped the pencil and went off to give his love letter drawing to his wife.


(Not for any of my male family members. For once I'd like to show Alice that I'm not a bumbling fool like you lot.)

Because /one/ of the Cullen boys has it right. That's right. Me.

What you're supposed to do... and please do not spoil the fun. Create a new note, copy and paste this message, delete my answers and type in yours. Then tag good friends and family INCLUDING the person who tagged you. The theory is that you will learn one new thing about each of your friends.

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Jasper
2. Jas
3. Jaspurr ;) (Only to my lovely wife, Alice. And on occasion she'll call me JazzHands? -smirks- I am the brother with all the right moves.)

THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Chauffeur. To Alice. Only. -glares at Emmett and Edward, both snickering loudly- Shut it!
2. Maria's Bitch. Thankfully upgraded to Alice's husband. (Yes. This is a job. I do get paid. -bites his lip and shifts his feet- In private.)
3. Bat boy. -wide and cocky grin-

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Forks. I like it here, for the most part. But if we must move again so soon... I vote for Spoons this time. A more essential utensil.
2. Texas. Houston was where I grew up.
3. Hell. -tilts head slightly to the left, grumbling as Emmett insistantly pokes him in the back- Which would be right now.

THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. I don't watch television.
2. I dislike watching television.
3. ... -writes in tiny letters backwards 'ANTM' because it is true that Alice makes him watch it weekly- MTNA.

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. Here
2. ...and
3. ...there. -holds on stubbornly to keeping certain things private-

THREE FAVORITE BOOKS
1. The Bourne Trilogy by Robert Ludlum.
2. Books that toy with the history of wars.
3. Southern hot sauce labels. My favorite is called Devil's Spit. -snorts-

THREE FAVORITE MOVIES
1. Gone with the Wind. -slips his shoe off his foot and tosses it at Edward's laughing head- At least it isn't A Walk to Remember!
2. -frowns down at the quiz and 'accidentally' skips number two-
3. Pearl Harbor.

THREE FEARS
1. That Alice finds out that I'm really not worthy of her.
2. That Maria really is a man. I once kiss that! -shudders and quickly moves to the next question-
3. -rolls his eyes- That Emmett continues to try and prove that Quidditch is a real sport. I dislike have to haul his ass up a cliff. Again.

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. A Walmart. I've never been allowed to go to a Walmart. Alice frowns upon it. -grins at the cute pout she'd conjure up if he tries-
2. A place where Edward's constant Emo emotions can't find me. -smirks and lifts a brow at the frowning tawny-haired brother- It's true.
3. Some place sound proof. With Alice.

THREE OBSESSIONS:
1. My Little Monster.
2. Bothering the hell out of my brothers.
3. Reading literature.

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. My favorite thing to taste is Alice.
2. ...At one point, I wanted to eat Bella. -shrugs- She smelled delectable at the time.
3. Mammals. -sighs and crosses that out- Stupid wild undomesticated animals that aren't humans.

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. Alice coming home from her day with Renesmee so I can have her all to myself.
2. Joining my brothers in creating a blog to smash each others self-esteems. -grins widely-
3. Stealing Emmett's 'pet' lion and blaming it on Edward.

THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. Esme had a chia pet once. I had to water it for her.
2. I once tied a leash to Alice's leopard-print stilettos. She failed to see the amusement my actions.
3. -pauses for a moment to listen to Edward's snorting and Emmett's growling- My brothers.

THREE FRIENDS WHOM (I HOPE) WILL REPLY
1. Alice: She looks adorable as she narrows her eyes at the computer when she can't decide what to place in each numbered slot. And it gives me reason to kiss the frustration away.
2. Bella: I want her to verbally abuse Emmett for me. Saves me the time.
3. Maria: I still want and need proof that she's actually a woman.

THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS
1. Jason Mraz. He's got great emotional vibes when he sings.
2. The Spill Canvas.
3. Yiruma- calming. I like calming.

THREE FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
1. Baseball. Especially when Alice pitches... -clears throat-
2. If Alice isn't pitching or somehow involved, the rest of the sports known to mankind can go to hell.
3. -scowls and moves on-

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Potential drink- Bella Swan.
2. AB negative.
3. -rolls eyes-